Back in New York.
I'm not really disappointed to be back to school (friends from DC and college will be visiting and we're going to fill the days until classes start with all sorts of fun New York stuff), but it's still hard to leave home. The last two weeks have been incredibly relaxing, but last night I suddenly felt anxious. It took me a while to recognize that it's the feeling I always get when I leave South Dakota and don't know when I'll be coming back.
That brief anxiety aside, this break has been pretty fantastic. I think a lot of that is due to the fact that I feel much more calm than during any of my other visits home over the past couple years. A couple of friends who visited me in New York this fall observed something that I'd started to suspect shortly after I moved there; I'm much happier at law school than I was at my job. It's not that my job was bad, I just felt frustrated all the time and whenever I visited home I expected those frustrations to disappear. I had this idea that South Dakota was the place where my life was comfortable and DC was the place where it was difficult. It's taken me a while to figure out that it doesn't really work like that. South Dakota, especially at Christmas, is filled with family and friends, and it's familiar. Those things are all comforting but it's unfair to expect them to make my problems disappear.
It was also a bit disingenuous to pretend that I had one life in South Dakota and a separate one in DC. Separations like that just aren't possible. I'm finding it easier to balance New York and South Dakota, although I still have some work to do. I have a sneaking suspicion that a few people there think I've become a pretentious East Coaster. I don't think that's true, but it's something to keep an eye on.
I spent most of my time at home doing the things I love -- driving, taking pictures, lounging, reading, drinking. I also need to keep an eye not entirely neglecting those things next semester. I really didn't like the version of me that emerged in November. She was far too tense. It took a few days longer than it should've for me to bounce back after finals ended and I don't want that to happen again.
Anyway, I've only been back for a few hours and I'm disgusted with how dirty I left my apartment. There's been a great deal of dusting and scrubbing tonight. I've also rememoved several reams of paper from my desk, shelves, and the floor of my bedroom. The place is almost liveable again.
That brief anxiety aside, this break has been pretty fantastic. I think a lot of that is due to the fact that I feel much more calm than during any of my other visits home over the past couple years. A couple of friends who visited me in New York this fall observed something that I'd started to suspect shortly after I moved there; I'm much happier at law school than I was at my job. It's not that my job was bad, I just felt frustrated all the time and whenever I visited home I expected those frustrations to disappear. I had this idea that South Dakota was the place where my life was comfortable and DC was the place where it was difficult. It's taken me a while to figure out that it doesn't really work like that. South Dakota, especially at Christmas, is filled with family and friends, and it's familiar. Those things are all comforting but it's unfair to expect them to make my problems disappear.
It was also a bit disingenuous to pretend that I had one life in South Dakota and a separate one in DC. Separations like that just aren't possible. I'm finding it easier to balance New York and South Dakota, although I still have some work to do. I have a sneaking suspicion that a few people there think I've become a pretentious East Coaster. I don't think that's true, but it's something to keep an eye on.
I spent most of my time at home doing the things I love -- driving, taking pictures, lounging, reading, drinking. I also need to keep an eye not entirely neglecting those things next semester. I really didn't like the version of me that emerged in November. She was far too tense. It took a few days longer than it should've for me to bounce back after finals ended and I don't want that to happen again.
Anyway, I've only been back for a few hours and I'm disgusted with how dirty I left my apartment. There's been a great deal of dusting and scrubbing tonight. I've also rememoved several reams of paper from my desk, shelves, and the floor of my bedroom. The place is almost liveable again.
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